Party Woes

It's New Years night, and it's past 12 O'Clock. I'm in work and my friends are all partying so I thought I'd share a couple of things I hate about parties in general.

1) The WOO!-girls

For some reason at every party there are girls who are unable to greet one another without screaming loudly. Regularly I've had my eardrums popped by some stupid boozed up idiot who is so drunk that she can't remember how to pronounce the word "Hello" and so screams and hopes noone notices. GRRR!

2) The pretty girl's ugly friend...

I'm not one to comment on looks, I'm an ugly bastard! However, I have noticed that every pretty girl has a friend who is just as ugly as she is pretty. The problem is, these ugly friends seem to think that they are god's gift to men and seem to think that every guy chatting to them is trying to get into their pants. Sorry love, likelyhood is, if you look like you should be chained to a kennel, then chances are it's going to be well into the party (Beer Keg) before you have someone actually chatting you up...

3) The temporary couples

I know parties are for hooking up, it's how I met my significant other but I hate temporary couples. I should probably define my terms:

When a man is as horny as hell, he'll go in search of a women to satisfy his urges. When a woman is as horny as hell, she'll find a man to satisfy her urges. When an already horny woman meets an equally horny man then you have a temporary couple. Locked in lover's embrace these people waste no time with information like names, they're all over each other!

Thing is, it gets really annoying when they finally take a break from tongue wrestling and decide that it's probably time to socialise. They walk around hand in hand as if they've been going out for years. The expression on their face suggests something between "who the fuck is this guy/girl and how quickly can I get rid of him/her" and "I hope he/she offers to go back to his/her place because I really need a shag!". The conversation is usually the same the bits in the brackets are what they wanted to say:

"Felix, hey! How are you? This is...."
Dave, yeah I met you before in the Pub
"Yeah, it's dave"
(Thank Christ! I thought I'd never find out his name)
So you two seem to be getting along quite nicely
"Yeah, we just seemed to hit it off!"
(Yeah, well I really just want to get laid... I'm desperate)
So Dave, I hear you got a job in an accounting company...
"You didn't tell me that dave"
(Oh dear god, I must end this conversation before I'm completely turned off)
Yeah, his degree finally paid off.
"Well, it's getting late. I think I might head home, do you want to share a taxi Dave?"
(For God sake get in the car and back to mine I'm going to ride you senseless then send you packing!)

4) The Wannabe Guitarists:

If there's anything I hate more than anything, it's people who pretend to be musicians to get laid. I don't know about you my dear reader, but I hate it when I go to a party and everything is brought to a standstill because some pretentious git wants to butcher "tears in heaven" just to get in some girl's pants. It'd be fine if they didn't have to bring the party to a standstill for this "musical interlude", but they never just keep it to themselves do they?

5) The pukers

You can be sure, that as sure as waves will wave there will be a puker or 2 at the party. I know I'm being a hypocrit because I've been a puker myself, but for some reason it's either a skinny blonde girl with no self-esteem or a geeky kid trying to look cool. Either way, they always manage to puke in the weirdest of places. I remember one party where someone puked in the oven so noone would notice that she had puked...

6) The Undesirables

a) The cryers

There's always someone who's completely drunk crying over nothing at a party. Usually female, and usually because someone didn't comment on the new shoes she got on sale in the local fashionable shop place. The most stupid reason for someone crying at a party that I've experienced has to be when the hostess made 50 sausage rolls and "everyone had eaten them". After much consoling and offers of tissues she calmed down and discovered that they were on the other side of the table to where she was...

b) The violent

As sure as you'll have someone cry, there'll be someone starting a fight. If one happens the other will soon after. Think about it, the girl is crying and drunk angry guy swoops in with the hope of getting her number and possible a fumble. His friend tells him that it's time to go home. He starts a fight with his friend etc.


c) The crying violent woman

This is scary. I'm not sure how this combination ever came to be, but I wish whoever thought it up didnt think of it. There is nothing more deadly than a crying violent woman. She's already pissed off about the misplaced sausage rolls, you've just gone and told her that you can make more and god dammit that's not good enough! Shoes get flung, bags whack anyone within reach, fists are swung and fingernails scrape. No man can deal with a crying violent woman without an injury or 29...

7) The Creepy bastard...

There's nothing worse than this creepy guy. He arrives late to the party and preys on the drunkest women there. Offering seemingly innocent walks home in the hope that his inebriated target thinks that he's great and sleeps with him. You can guarantee that to every 30 people at a party, there'll be 1 creepy fucker ready to pounce on one of your female friends as soon as she's downed her 95th taquilla...

Twas the night shift before Christmas...

Well here I am writing out my thoughts on this Christmas eve night. It's interesting how people change at Christmas time. Your usually down to earth friends become spoiled brats riddled with jealousy, and the neurotic busy-bodies all of a sudden are taking it easy and not doing anything, all while the lazy people all team up to put everything together.

I get especially surprised at how easily we allow ourselves to be consumed by the consumerism that surrounds Christmas. The very fact that Christmas is no longer about celebrating the birthday of the Messiah, but instead about celebrating maxing out of all of your credit cards. I've been quite annoyed every year at how people would say "What did you get for Christmas?" instead of "How was your Christmas?". Even if you ask the latter, you'll still get an answer similar to an answer to the former.

What did you get for Christmas?
I got a goldfish!

How was your Christmas?
It was great! I got a goldfish!

But what I'm especially pissed off at are those pointless presents that people get each other. Last year I got an alarm clock that's powered by onions. Who in their right mind writes to Santa and says,

"Dear Santa,

This year I bought way too many onions, I'd appreciate it if you could bring me a clock that's powered by onions so I have a use for my surplus onions.

Sincerely yours

Onion-boy"

Now that being said, I love quirky gifts. That is, if there's a purpose behind them other than "I couldn't think of what to get you so I bought this remote controlled ham". No, I'd much rather get something I need, which never costs more than €5 anyway. For example, my grandmother asked me what I'd like for Christmas and I told her that I wanted a potato peeler. Why? Because my one is broken, yes I broke a potato peeler. My mother asked me what I'd like and I said I'd love a set of chopsticks!

Lets just compare that with my sister, who when asked presented my parents with a 3 A4 page list of gifts she wanted. Compare that again with several of my friends who asked for games consoles that they've already got, but are buying another one so they can have one in their room AS WELL as the lounge!

I don't like to go on a "Think of the poor children starving in Africa" rant, mostly because whenever someone does that everyone closes off and says,
"That pretentious prat's at it again!". Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that Christmas is about more than just presents.

It's about family, by that I mean relations that you haven't seen in a year and could live quite a happy life not seeing them for several more. It's about the food, hastily prepared by people who want to watch Terminator 2 for the 1000th time that day. It's about the booze, which will eventually lead to the argument that rips the family apart for year. It's about those phone calls about 4 weeks before Christmas where the conversation always goes the same way,

"Hi Felix, How are you?"
I'm grand, you?
"Oh I'm just great! I haven't seen you since Christmas, what have you been up to?"
Oh the usual, this and that, more of that than this these days but at least it's something eh?
"We were wondering if you'd come over for Christmas dinner."
I'd love to, but didn't you have a fist fight with my grandmother last year over the texture of the mashed potatoes?
"Oh yeah, but it's all in the past. [Insert name] is taking care of the mash this year!"
Oh wonderful, I suppose I'll head to the chemist and the off-license. I'll need to stock up on ice packs and beer.
"Why?"
Judging on last year, we're going to need it...

Radios

Here I am! In work, pottering away doing plenty of nothing, and bugger all after that. I just thought I'd give out about the radio for a while. It's half four in the morning and I can't think of anything better to do, well I could work, but no one ever wants to do that.

So anyway, tomorrow I'm getting a new radio for Christmas. It's not really for Christmas because I bought it for myself about 6 months ago and I've only gotten around to installing it now. Great timing eh? The reason behind this is that between everything I've would up buggering up the original radio completely and it's only now that I suddenly realise just how crap Irish radio is.

Americans are the most popular people to think of when it comes to various kinds of media, but in general I think Americans are useless at almost everything that doesn't involve grease and large metal exploding things. The french however are a hell of a lot better when it comes to media, a certain level of sarcasm in almost everything that gives their cinema, TV and radio a little bit of pretentiousness that you don't really mind. Anyway I digress, or digest as my grandmother would say.

It was only when my radio died that I realised just how pleasant it is to drive about the place with only your thoughts to entertain you. It's strange what winds up happening especially on long drives. I was driving to my parents house last Friday and there was so much traffic I thought I'd go insane, but instead I thought I'd relax and enjoy the ride, it was the best idea as the rest involved frustration and moving that I really wasn't bothered doing. So I sat there, inching along the motorway, looking at the signs saying 120kmph and then looking at my speed gauge and seeing the needle just brush past 20. When your moving 6 feet every 5 minutes you begin to think to yourself and it can scare the crap out of you.

I was sitting in the car and my thought process when as follows

Right, I'm stuck in traffic. May as well enjoy it...
*switches on radio and nothing happens*
Damn, I forgot there was no radio...
I wonder what my girlfriend is up to. I'll call her, oh wait! No signal. This is just perfect...
♫Doo dee doo doo ♫
Maybe I can write a song while I'm here
♫I once knew a piano from Brussels♫... no no no, that's a load of crap!

5 minutes later

♫WOO! Did you ever wake up with those bullfrogs on your mind!♫ (A song by Rory Gallagher)

At this point I had forgotten that I was in the car, I was going hell for leather on the air guitar and everything. Trudging along the motorway at a snails pace but having my own mini-Woodstock in my head, and loving it! As I was going along people were looking at me and giving me strange looks, but I didn't care... I'll be honest, I thought they recognised me and so I'd wave at them. That was probably a little conceited of me but who cares... Before I knew it I had gotten home and had that feeling you can only get when you're walking off the stage after doing a great gig. I felt alive!

At this point it hit me, I wasn't listening to the radio. I was alone with my thoughts, uninterrupted by adds and annoying DJ's harping on about this, that and the other. It was exhilarating! So I'm telling you right now, next time you're stuck in traffic:

Relax
Take a deep breath
You're going nowhere fast
Switch off the radio and let your mind run about the place!
You'll have more fun if you just switch off from reality for a while...

My view on life and love

So I should probably start off by telling you about myself. I'm 22 years old, but haven't been 22 all of my life. Only about 3 months really. The rest of the time I spent growing up. I did that in Dublin mostly (That's in Ireland). I'd like to think I was an ordinary child, in fact for the most part I was, but I've always seen the world differently to everyone else. Some would say I see it through rose tinted glasses, I would say that I'm just experiencing the world from a different angle.

It's like life is like a rock concert, the band represent the people we aspire to be. There are those in the pit who spend way to much time jumping about the place to actually get anything done, there are those who stand at the back of the pit and there are those who sit in the seats at the back. The people in the back are still enjoying everything on the same level, just in a different way. While those in the pit are enjoying the atmosphere, those in the seats are appreciating the music directly; unaffected by the people next to them in any way. The people in the middle like to have their cake and eat it, but they seldom get the opportunity to do both. They want to be up front where the action is, but on the other hand they wish to relax and appreciate the music. When they try to enjoy the atmosphere they interfere with the people enjoying the music, and when they're enjoying the music, they're bothered by those enjoying the atmosphere. I like to think that in life we all experience all 4 levels mentioned. Everyone has a role model, sometimes you're someone else's, everyone wants to be where the action is and not really think, everyone wants the time and the ability to observe everything and appreciate it. Overall everyone becomes the people in the middle, unsure of what they want but enjoying it all the same.

What I'm trying to say is that, in life there is no such thing as a casual observer. You can't just pass by life and glance at it for a second. Life can be experienced and appreciated while you have it, however love can't; at least, not in my mind anyway. You never really know if you love someone until they aren't there. It doesn't matter if it's temporary or permanent, you need to not have love in order to know you've got it. Which is why I never understand these couples who believe in love at first sight. It makes no sense to me at all, especially when you think about how most relationships begin:

You see her, standing there alone at the other side of the smoking area of your local pub. She's waiting for someone, you kid yourself into thinking that she's waiting for you to arrive to ask where you've been all her life. She lights a smoke and sips her wine and stares off into the crowded room, not at anyone in particular, just the crowd. Your eyes meet and you swear you're in love with this girl (or at least in lust). She smiles at you and coyly stares into her wine glass before looking over again to see if you're still looking at her, you quickly look away not wanting to look over eager. You finish your drink and get another, collecting what few coherent thoughts that are floating around in your head in the hope that something witty will flash before your eyes. You sip your drink and sigh at the fact that you can't think of anything to say to her, but before you can finish pitying yourself you see her again. She's standing right next to you, you go to say hi but bashfulness takes over and you stop yourself. You finally pluck up the courage to ask her her name, she tells you and you try to resist the urge to say "That's a wonderful name" like they do in the movies. You talk to her for a while, she laughs at your jokes and you laugh at hers, you exchange compliments and say your goodbyes. Your heart beats quickly as she writes her number on a napkin and hands it to you. Then she leaves.

This seems like love at first sight, but is it really? It sounds like the average night out for most people. But wait:

After she leaves you stop thinking about her. You know there's a napkin in your pocket, but you forget that her number is on it. You and your friends share a joke or two along with an equal amount of drinks and go home. As you walk you sneeze and you get the napkin out of your pocket. You see her number and you remember her. Her hair, her eyes, her smell, her voice, her laugh, her amazing tits! You name it, you remember everything. You go home and sleep (or at least try) you wake up and have breakfast and you call her. You invite her out to a fancy meal and she accepts. All you can think about is kissing her, hugging her and making love to her. You dream of waking up to her smiling face in the morning and falling asleep with her lying naked beside you. You want to be with her...

Doesn't this all seem lovely? So romantic? Yeah right. We're still in lust town my friends. A good pal of mine once defined love as:

When you go out with someone and you take her to dinner all the time, you buy her fancy jewelery, you wear that jumper she got you even though you don't like it and you go out of your way to make her happy. Love is when you will do anything to give everything to someone and expect nothing in return. The day that sex with that special someone becomes a bonus rather than a necessity is the day that you're in love.

I don't think many people know what it's like to be in love. "Love", as most people experience it is blind, quite literally. If you want to know if you're in love with someone, then spend time apart. If you can't sleep, eat, drink or function without them then you know it's love. If you can't wait to kiss and cuddle them, then I'm afraid you've got a long way to go.