Party Woes

It's New Years night, and it's past 12 O'Clock. I'm in work and my friends are all partying so I thought I'd share a couple of things I hate about parties in general.

1) The WOO!-girls

For some reason at every party there are girls who are unable to greet one another without screaming loudly. Regularly I've had my eardrums popped by some stupid boozed up idiot who is so drunk that she can't remember how to pronounce the word "Hello" and so screams and hopes noone notices. GRRR!

2) The pretty girl's ugly friend...

I'm not one to comment on looks, I'm an ugly bastard! However, I have noticed that every pretty girl has a friend who is just as ugly as she is pretty. The problem is, these ugly friends seem to think that they are god's gift to men and seem to think that every guy chatting to them is trying to get into their pants. Sorry love, likelyhood is, if you look like you should be chained to a kennel, then chances are it's going to be well into the party (Beer Keg) before you have someone actually chatting you up...

3) The temporary couples

I know parties are for hooking up, it's how I met my significant other but I hate temporary couples. I should probably define my terms:

When a man is as horny as hell, he'll go in search of a women to satisfy his urges. When a woman is as horny as hell, she'll find a man to satisfy her urges. When an already horny woman meets an equally horny man then you have a temporary couple. Locked in lover's embrace these people waste no time with information like names, they're all over each other!

Thing is, it gets really annoying when they finally take a break from tongue wrestling and decide that it's probably time to socialise. They walk around hand in hand as if they've been going out for years. The expression on their face suggests something between "who the fuck is this guy/girl and how quickly can I get rid of him/her" and "I hope he/she offers to go back to his/her place because I really need a shag!". The conversation is usually the same the bits in the brackets are what they wanted to say:

"Felix, hey! How are you? This is...."
Dave, yeah I met you before in the Pub
"Yeah, it's dave"
(Thank Christ! I thought I'd never find out his name)
So you two seem to be getting along quite nicely
"Yeah, we just seemed to hit it off!"
(Yeah, well I really just want to get laid... I'm desperate)
So Dave, I hear you got a job in an accounting company...
"You didn't tell me that dave"
(Oh dear god, I must end this conversation before I'm completely turned off)
Yeah, his degree finally paid off.
"Well, it's getting late. I think I might head home, do you want to share a taxi Dave?"
(For God sake get in the car and back to mine I'm going to ride you senseless then send you packing!)

4) The Wannabe Guitarists:

If there's anything I hate more than anything, it's people who pretend to be musicians to get laid. I don't know about you my dear reader, but I hate it when I go to a party and everything is brought to a standstill because some pretentious git wants to butcher "tears in heaven" just to get in some girl's pants. It'd be fine if they didn't have to bring the party to a standstill for this "musical interlude", but they never just keep it to themselves do they?

5) The pukers

You can be sure, that as sure as waves will wave there will be a puker or 2 at the party. I know I'm being a hypocrit because I've been a puker myself, but for some reason it's either a skinny blonde girl with no self-esteem or a geeky kid trying to look cool. Either way, they always manage to puke in the weirdest of places. I remember one party where someone puked in the oven so noone would notice that she had puked...

6) The Undesirables

a) The cryers

There's always someone who's completely drunk crying over nothing at a party. Usually female, and usually because someone didn't comment on the new shoes she got on sale in the local fashionable shop place. The most stupid reason for someone crying at a party that I've experienced has to be when the hostess made 50 sausage rolls and "everyone had eaten them". After much consoling and offers of tissues she calmed down and discovered that they were on the other side of the table to where she was...

b) The violent

As sure as you'll have someone cry, there'll be someone starting a fight. If one happens the other will soon after. Think about it, the girl is crying and drunk angry guy swoops in with the hope of getting her number and possible a fumble. His friend tells him that it's time to go home. He starts a fight with his friend etc.


c) The crying violent woman

This is scary. I'm not sure how this combination ever came to be, but I wish whoever thought it up didnt think of it. There is nothing more deadly than a crying violent woman. She's already pissed off about the misplaced sausage rolls, you've just gone and told her that you can make more and god dammit that's not good enough! Shoes get flung, bags whack anyone within reach, fists are swung and fingernails scrape. No man can deal with a crying violent woman without an injury or 29...

7) The Creepy bastard...

There's nothing worse than this creepy guy. He arrives late to the party and preys on the drunkest women there. Offering seemingly innocent walks home in the hope that his inebriated target thinks that he's great and sleeps with him. You can guarantee that to every 30 people at a party, there'll be 1 creepy fucker ready to pounce on one of your female friends as soon as she's downed her 95th taquilla...